Resolved
I am naturally gluttonous. Give me something that I like, and I will be inclined to consume quantities of it until the supply is gone or my body starts to rebel. Over the years, I have learned to temper this tendency with moderation, especially in social situations. However, my wisdom is often trumped by my instincts, which explains why I consistently fail to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. The only good thing about this that I can think of is that I never need to put much thought into coming up with good New Year's resolutions. I always have a pretty good idea about some fundamental ways I can improve myself.
Coming from a Catholic background, I am as familiar with the concept of self-denial as I am with the tenet of transubstantiation. I grew up giving up, adhering to the practice of sacrificing a small luxury during Lent and respecting its traditionally meatless Fridays. As a teenager, even though I no longer felt obligated to deny myself specific things according to church doctrine, I nevertheless found other ways to exercise self-restraint. One summer, I allowed myself just one meal a day (though I decided that I would eat as much as I liked for that single meal). During another period of auto-discipline that lasted over a year, I drank only water (from the tap, and long before bottled water became fashionable). It is as though my natural inclination toward gluttony is counterbalanced by an almost theatrical compulsion for self-denial.
One of my greatest dietary weaknesses is an almost unceasing appetite for potato chips. I can eat them until I am nearly sickened by them, wait an hour or two, then pick up where I left off. It is nothing for me to be personally responsible for the disappearance of a pound bag within 24 hours. On New Year's Eve, 1989, I sat at the kitchen table at my fiancee's parents' home, mindlessly munching chip after chip and contemplating the important changes that loomed in the coming year. In just six months I would be out of college and newly married. What was I doing stuffing myself with potato chips? I resolved on the spot that 1990 would be a chip-free year.
True to my word, I abstained from my favorite snack for twelve months. My wife and I concluded the year with a memorably excessive New Year's Eve party, for which we prepared heaping quantities of unhealthy edibles. At the stroke of midnight, already three sheets to the wind with my plastic top hat complemented by a stylish pair of blue-tinted Lennon specs, I stood before our guests and ate my first potato chip in a year (it was, as I recall, a decadently ketchup-flavored variety from Herr's). Having concluded my unprecedented display of self-discipline and with nothing left to prove, I soon fell back into gluttonous habits. 1991 was just as unhealthy as 1989. So was 1992, 1993, and 1994.
On New Year's Eve, 1994, we had particular reason to be thankful. Our newborn daughter, just two weeks old, was healthy and home after an unexpected stay in the ICU. Just the sort of circumstances that foster introspection and self-evaluation. Inspired to make a conscious effort to improve myself in the coming year, I sat down and started to make a list of my dietary excesses. It wasn't short. Was it possible to give up all of these things in the coming year? I doubted it, at least not if I attempted it all at once. But what if I did it gradually? What if I gave up one thing on January 1 but added a new item to the forbidden list every two weeks? By the time I reached December, I would be living a different life.
I resolved, then, that I would specify 26 items to be cumulatively sacrificed over the course of 1995. I would write the verboten things down on slips of paper. Then, every two weeks I would randomly draw one 24 hours in advance of its prohibition, giving me one day to indulge my appetite before I would have to avoid the specified delight for the remainder of the year.
I had no trouble generating a list, at least not at first. My indulgences are numerous, and the first 17 items came quickly:
1) Soda pop of any variety
2) Candy bars (including non-bar items like M&M’s)
3) Potato chips
4) French fries
5) Fast-food hamburgers
6) Tortilla chips and salsa
7) Donuts
8) Bratwurst
9) Ice cream/frozen novelties (unless fat-free)
10) Deep-fried Chinese food
11) Fried chicken
12) Cereals with fat
13) Cereals with sugar
14) The use of butter/margarine as a topping or spread
15) Cookies
16) Blue cheese dressing
17) Chicken wings
Here I hit an impasse, surprised that I was having trouble coming up with 26 items. Perhaps if I included excessive behaviors as well as food consumption...
18) Buying CD's
19) Buying books
20) Buying magazines
21) Eating after 8:00 pm
Hmmm...it was a bit tougher than I had anticipated. Even though I couldn't lay claim to alcohol being a recurring excess, even my very occasional drink was something that I would do just as well to give up, and it also would help me round out the list.
22) Beer
23) Wine coolers (this was 1995, remember)
24) Mixed drinks
Well, so much for alcohol. Surely, if I really concentrated, I could come up with two more food items. Sure enough...
25) Peanuts
26) Hostess/Little Debbie-type snack cakes, etc.
Though I still have the original list that I composed that New Year's Eve, I have long since lost the paper that I affixed on the refrigerator and upon which I recorded each fortnight's new prohibition. I cannot recall what item I drew first, but I do know that I fastidiously adhered to my commitment throughout the year. Well, nearly. In a moment of bravado, I decided that I would dramatically conclude my 52 weeks of self-discipline by fasting on December 31, thereby giving up everything for the last day of 1995. This went well for most of the day until I developed headaches and nausea in the early evening, making the prospect of roughing it until the ball drop very undesirable. At some point in any endeavor, it's worth taking a step back and asking oneself, "Am I being an idiot?" I decided that I was, and so I dispensed with the melodrama, ate some non-prohibited items, and felt much better.
Was it all worth it? Had I proven anything? Well, I did lose over ten pounds that year without making any effort toward weight loss, which certainly beats the ten-pound gain that I easily might have made. I suppose most importantly, I proved that I really could deny myself coveted yet unhealthy indulgences if I made a firm resolution and stuck to it. But that was 1995. What have I done since? Indulge, repent, repeat. Indulge, repent, repeat.
On the cusp of 2011, I'm starting to feel a bit theatrical again, wondering if I have it in me to pull off another dietary stunt. Could I...dare I even contemplate...a Year Without Chocolate? I mean an entire year without chocolate of any kind, not even chocolate flavoring. I could get up on a moral high horse and call it my protest against worldwide exploitative cocoa production. That would surely satisfy my taste for melodrama. But really I would be doing it because I am so pathetically addicted to chocolate. I don't know if I can recall a week when I haven't had chocolate. An entire year...
I'll let you know. Meanwhile, I have the rest of a humongous bag of M&M's to finish before midnight.
February 2nd, 2011 - 10:56
Bob,
Laugh riot! You have managed to encapsulate years of my life into your post. I read this out loud to Heather and Austin too. We admire your attempts at self denial and self deprication. Say ten Hail Marys and enjoy the chips and M&Ms. Yeahhhh Guilt. Go Guilt. Push em back, Push em back, Stuff it down , goooo Guilt!
February 2nd, 2011 - 12:14
I’ve had to learn what was deep down inside of me that caused me to numb out with food, cigarettes, and alcohol. That’s essentially what we do when we eat unhealthy things even though we know better. Even if I could moderate, I wouldn’t because I’m a compulsive overeater. You can’t fix the problem until you find out what’s driving it. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Ask yourself, do I eat more than I need? Do I try to hide what I’m eating? Do I hide food. Do I eat alone so nobody will see me do it? Do I exercise obsessively to try to counter my eating? Do I blame others/situations for my eating? The list goes on and on and on………….If I can’t admit my problem, I can never help myself.
Thanks for the article Bob! You reminded me of all the insanity there’s been in my life and how I’ve used food and other things to try to avoid! I’m getting drier now after years of swimming in the river of DENIAL!